Forever goodbyes

Today was hard.  Actually today is tomorrow (Tuesday morning 3:52 a.m) and I’m talking about Monday, day 1 with the packers at our home getting us packed up and moved out of our home in Bangalore.I woke up early, around 4:30 a.m. which has been the norm for me since I returned from my trip the US, and did all the prep work that I could do before the movers arrived and before John and Bruce woke up.  Not only have I been waking up super early but I have also been going to sleep most nights at about 8:00 pm, which is so unlike me.  So waking up early I was not tired at all, just anxious about all that lay ahead.Move day.  We have been looking forward to this day for awhile now.  What I did not realize was how sad I was going to feel. I kind of shut down.  I had done all the prep work and I left the “supervising” of the move to John.  It’s like my mind just needed to not focus on “the move” and just think on anything else “but the move”, because to actually think on it was making me kind of crumble on the inside.   Luckily for me, I made a new friend who is a newbie to India and she and her sweet daughter Lily came over and kept us company, brought us lunch and wine, Krissy made me laugh and Lily played with Bruce, it was a perfect day.  Except that the move was going on…..totally unexpected feelings were rushing in and I was not prepared.

At 5:00pm, the movers called it a day and headed out planning to return tomorrow (today), we also decided to call it a day and get ready to leave for our hotel.  The movers left and soon so did our lovely company.  Our suitcases packed and ready to go  I kept stalling.

The things I didn’t want to face I guess were staring me in the face.  I was not ready to leave.  I wanted to spend just one more night in our home.  One more evening on the rooftop under the stars, enjoying the breeze, the smell of lemongrass from the mosquito repellent incense that we burn, a bottle of wine with John.  You see leaving to the hotel meant tthis is it.  This is where the real goodbyes start, the forever goodbyes.

Saying goodbye FOREVER to one of our favorite persons, was going to happen very soon.  “Big Uncle”, as we call him but his real name is Yogandre who “came with the house”, walked us out to the car and though we are returning tomorrow, looked like he was about to break into tears.   I did.  What my mind tried so hard to not to face, my heart finally accepted.  When we say goodbye to our staff, we will be saying goodbye forever.  I know we will never see them again.  Friends that we have made, our life long friends I know we will see again, but the people in our lives that contributed to do our everyday well being and saw to our daily needs, we will never see again.  None of them have computers, and most don’t know how to read and write in English.  Even Big Uncle who we have seen almost everyday for the past almost 3 years, most of our conversations have always been a mix of speaking and hand signals.  How in the world will we be able to keep in touch?  I’m so blessed that Krissy my new friend hired Lokesh our driver, I think through him we might be able to keep tabs on Big Uncle, and even Lakshimi.  Maybe.

It’s hard to explain what someone like Big Uncle has meant to us.  What he means to Bruce.  My heart was breaking for him and for Bruce because they have a bond, Bruce really sees him as a big Uncle, someone who gives him unconditional love and who was his constant playmate learning basketball, American football, baseball, cricket and who even helped him to ride his bike.  Bruce was 3 years old when we arrived and he’s 6 now……Yogandre has truly been his devoted big uncle.

While all this was playing in my mind, all I wanted to do was turn around and go back inside “my house’.  Go back inside, and spend one more night there.  Spend one last evening on the roof. Under the stars enjoying the breeze and the smell of the lemongrass scented mosquito repellent incense.  I regret falling asleep early this past week.  Didn’t spend enough time enjoying our last days there as tired and busy as I was. Just wanted one more night there, to wake up, and all would be the same for just one more night.  Don’t understand it myself.  Ready for the move and yet not ready?  Fickle me.

When we got to the hotel John told me that as the movers were packing our living room, Big Uncle grabbed a framed picture of me and Bruce and John that we took in the desert in Dubai.  He begged John for the picture and John of course agreed that he could have it.

As I once again tried not to dissolve into tears,  I realized a piece of us will always be with him.  Just like a part of him will be with us, be with Bruce always, in our memories, in our hearts, not just in pictures but the imprint of what we all leave behind within each other.

Does that make sense?

Going to try to sleep now.  But not looking forward to day 2 of the move.  It’s official, forever goodbyes suck.

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